Afraid To Fail

I am at the point in my life again, where I feel like I'm not good enough. These past few days have been hard, I have not wanted to do anything. I sometimes forget how strong I really am, how I used to stand when the waves were trying to pull me under. I'm so different than how I used to be, now I've hit the bottom of the ocean and am looking back on the happiness I used to have. All I am is a light in the darkness, I've been struggling to stand up when everyone is trying to push me down underneath the waves. I used to just let them too. I let them kick me around and pull me under. I didn't have the will to fight. I realize that I was wrong. That was never what I wanted. I never wanted to feel useless and hurt. I wanted to stand and be strong. My father had always raised me to be a fighter. I slowly started to remember how much I had changed. I wanted to be a strong person like my mother and father. I remember how strongly I used to fight for what I believed in, but lately I had become so wrapped up in myself and how I felt sorry for myself. It was all my fault where I was in my life. And that was they day I woke up. I realized that my life wasn't going to magically fix itself, I needed to step up and work on my life. That day I got home and decided my life was unorganized, so I cleaned my entire room and organized it. I decided I was overweight, I signed up for volleyball, softball, and basketball. I decided that I had become lazy, I helped my mom whenever she needed it. I decided I had become lazy in school as well and I knew I was better than that, I signed for ASB (Associated Student Body) and Drama. I decided that the insults I had been recieving and people treating me badly was unacceptable, I stood up to them and stood up for myself. I CHANGED. I changed because no one else could help me if I couldn't help myself. That's when I decided it was time for a new revolution. Not of hate, but of loving yourself for who you are. It is time to raise your voice and join the rebellion.

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At Depth

Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of becoming a marine biologist. Today that dream is coming closer to becoming true. I recently enrolled into a SSI Open Water Diving Course, so I may get my license. Today I took the test to get my license. And after fifty questions of shear torture, and thirty minutes of waiting. I passed my test and will recieve my Open Water Beginner License and NitrOx license. Next weekend I will be participating in 5 Open Water dives in La Jolla Shores to complete my Certification. Though the reason I even began to complete the certification course is because I will be attending a Marine Biology Camp. At Sea Camp II, Marine Biology camp, I will be going on a night diving trip to swim with sharks. Today for my final course of diving we went to the WaveHouse at Belmont Park, this is also where I met Ian. We tried on Scuba gear and practiced. My partner was very nice, since I was so short he bended down so I could help him with his gear. I have enjoyed every minute of it. Diving is so peaceful. You're just there, floating in perfect serenity. Without the worries of normal life, you're at perfect peace. It's my first breath of peace.

Picture 1:
Me in the water, with the scuba diving equipment.

Picture 2:

Me waiting for my diving partner to hurry his ass up so I can get in the water.

Picture 3:

Me launching into the water with the equipment.

Picture 4:

Me helping my partnerwith his equipment.

Luxe

Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?

I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.


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I'm Strong Enough

I'm too selfish,

I'm too weak.

Seems like there's nothing good about me.

But believe me when I say,

I'm strong enough

To move mountains,

To swim the length of the sea.

I'm high enough,

that I can see.

Everything you tried to hide from me.

The cuts and the scars.

are nothing to me.

Dotted like stars along the moon,

They help me realize I have nothing left to prove.

I now realize you were no good to me.

So tell me do you see?

That I'm strong enough to believe in,

Me.

Luxe

Ordinary World by Katharine McPhee

The sun can't remember how to shine
And the colors all have faded into shades of gray
There's no life in this hollow heart of mine
Ever since you went away

Close your eyes and feel me hold you
Can you lead me through this ordinary world
Let the sky cry, restless rain to wash away the miles
Between us, 'cause without you it's just an ordinary world

If time could find a way to turn around
I would walk along the stars, till I was back at your door
Every word, every word is spoken but without a sound
And I found out what my heart is for

Close your eyes and feel me hold you
Can you lead me through this ordinary world
Let the sky cry, restless rain to wash away the miles
Between us, 'cause without you it's just an ordinary world

Hold your breath, here I come
Time to roll on mine
Take back, to your arms
Till we melt
Underneath the blinding sun

Can't remember how to shine
You're the life in this hollow heart of mine

Close your eyes and feel me hold you
Can you lead me through this ordinary world
Let the sky cry, restless rain to wash away the miles between us
'Till love can come redeem us 'cause without you
It's just an ordinary World


Luxe

That Lonely Feeling

Sometimes, I get this lonely feeling. Maybe it's a mood swing, and maybe it's the truth. Lately, this is all I have been feeling. I had become so wrapped up in who I thought I was, when that wasn't me at all. I admit I started fights, that never needed to be started. I don't think I ever would've woken up until I realized I started losing him. I love him. And I don't think he knew what he wanted anymore. I mean, all we did for awhile is talk about sex, and he lied to me. He said he wanted to and everything like that. But the reality is, I think he thought that was what I wanted to hear, what would make me happy. He was wrong. All it did was drive me crazy, preparing, talking, and all that wonderful stuff. I should've known by the way he hesitated to touch me. I think the main reason that I forced myself on him this way is because I was scared. I had already been in several bad relationships, I just didn't want him to leave me. I should've been stronger and found out what he really wanted. Now his mother decided that she wanted to read all his text messages and emails. His mother is my worst nightmare, a control freak. She decided she wants to contact my mom and not let me see my boyfriend at all. I do not know if her intentions are good or not. I do not know what she intends to gain from this, maybe she thinks my mother doesn't know. Well, she does. The thing is, I talk to my mother because I trust her and she has supported me all the way. My mom doesn't see anything abnormal with this. She thinks its normal for teenagers to explore. And I have explored. And that exploration hurt me. At some point along the way, I wrapped myself in this little romantic bubble that was never really there. I realize now, that I'm not ready. Not only that but even if we were ready physically, we weren't ready emotionally. I do see many faults with his mother, but I know she is just protecting me. I hope someday she realizes that its not all my fault, I'm not the only one to blame for this mishap, as much is she would like to believe it, he's not completely innocent. I guess this is just a storm I have to go through and wait to blow over. Not only that but maybe this is a chance to see how strong our relationship is. And if we are strong enough to concur anything and if we are meant to be. This is just a gasp of air among many. My breaths are becoming heavier, but soon I will be able to breathe.

Luxe

Being Conflicted.

What do you do when you have a boyfriend, whom you love so dearly, and a boy you just love so easily? Do you scream? Do you cry? What can you do? Is there anything I can do? I love them both. It was a tough decision for me. I thought I would lose myself completely as a person, I almost did. What I thought I had with the other boy was not love, it was lust. And he never loved me either. He used me, got what he want, and then didn't care anymore. It hurts, you feel worthless inside. You become depressed, you want him, you love the other one. You doubt yourself. Then you find yourself becoming dependent on everyone. You lose sleep. You lose yourself. And then somehow, when you're face down in the dirt. You come back. You find who you are and who to love and trust. Then you start again, the bridges that you never meant to burn become mended, and you burn the ones that need to be burned. And you move on, stronger and wiser than before. And you realize that through all that pain, there was hope. And that's when you know you've found yourself. After all the pain, suffering, and lies.. you know what you need, what you want. You are who you are and no one will ever be good enough to change that. This is the point in time where you have discovered yourself. You have just begun to walk again and pick yourself up from the despair you had been wallowing in. This is when you began to learn how to breathe again. This is the journey to discovering who you are.

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