That Lonely Feeling

Sometimes, I get this lonely feeling. Maybe it's a mood swing, and maybe it's the truth. Lately, this is all I have been feeling. I had become so wrapped up in who I thought I was, when that wasn't me at all. I admit I started fights, that never needed to be started. I don't think I ever would've woken up until I realized I started losing him. I love him. And I don't think he knew what he wanted anymore. I mean, all we did for awhile is talk about sex, and he lied to me. He said he wanted to and everything like that. But the reality is, I think he thought that was what I wanted to hear, what would make me happy. He was wrong. All it did was drive me crazy, preparing, talking, and all that wonderful stuff. I should've known by the way he hesitated to touch me. I think the main reason that I forced myself on him this way is because I was scared. I had already been in several bad relationships, I just didn't want him to leave me. I should've been stronger and found out what he really wanted. Now his mother decided that she wanted to read all his text messages and emails. His mother is my worst nightmare, a control freak. She decided she wants to contact my mom and not let me see my boyfriend at all. I do not know if her intentions are good or not. I do not know what she intends to gain from this, maybe she thinks my mother doesn't know. Well, she does. The thing is, I talk to my mother because I trust her and she has supported me all the way. My mom doesn't see anything abnormal with this. She thinks its normal for teenagers to explore. And I have explored. And that exploration hurt me. At some point along the way, I wrapped myself in this little romantic bubble that was never really there. I realize now, that I'm not ready. Not only that but even if we were ready physically, we weren't ready emotionally. I do see many faults with his mother, but I know she is just protecting me. I hope someday she realizes that its not all my fault, I'm not the only one to blame for this mishap, as much is she would like to believe it, he's not completely innocent. I guess this is just a storm I have to go through and wait to blow over. Not only that but maybe this is a chance to see how strong our relationship is. And if we are strong enough to concur anything and if we are meant to be. This is just a gasp of air among many. My breaths are becoming heavier, but soon I will be able to breathe.

Luxe